Sunday, March 21, 2010

More Likely Than Soccer in Chester?

This week marks the dawn of a major sports team (true, soccer isn't really one of the major sports in the U.S., but still …) coming to the city of Chester (true, the team is called the Philadelphia Union, but we know where they'll play the games … once the stadium is completed a few months into the season).

But I don't mean to minimize the impact of this event. It borders on shocking. In fact, I've compiled a list of 27 things I expected to see before I saw a major sports team in Chester. I invite you to add your own:

  • Drug stores all around the county close down and reopen as bars, palm readers and casinos.

  • The borough of Trainer gets a corporate sponsor and becomes “Bally Fitness Trainer.”

  • Charlie Brown kicks the football before Lucy can snatch it away.

  • Prospect Park, Ridley Park and Parkside institute 24/7 free parking.

  • SEPTA adds bus routes and reduces fares.

  • Kentucky Fried Turkey (KFT).

  • Millbourne breaks 1,000 total population.

  • Clifton Heights gets off its high horse and drops the “Heights.”

  • A functional Congress.

  • FDA reveals that Chiclets are made from actual chicks.

  • Since it's just ONE city, Media goes grammatically correct and changes its name to “Medium.”

  • Chadds Ford buys an apostrophe.

  • Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Davy Jones, Mickey Dolenz form new band, The Beatkees.

  • Donovan McNabb voted most popular Eagle ever.

  • Morton to salt roads year-round.

  • Donald Trump fired.

  • Haverford College, Swarthmore College re-institute football, will play only each other.

  • Chocolate, Tastykakes, beer, cheesesteaks, Big Macs and all Italian food found to cure cancer.

  • Archdiocese of Philadelphia to close all schools, will open corner bible study/lemonade stands.

  • Science teachers no longer required to mention the planet Uranus.

  • Swine flu downgraded to hamster flu.

  • Merion Cricket Club to break tradition, admit grasshoppers.

  • The pike is declared an endangered species. Chester Pike and Baltimore Pike to get stimulus funds.

  • Bad student found to have no disability, declared “just not very smart.”

  • YouTube features scantily clad woman falling from trampoline. No one watches.

  • Nancy Pelosi, Dick Cheney switch parties.

  • Famous athlete retires without crying.

But I was obviously very wrong. Professional soccer IS coming to Chester and I'm feeling like anything is possible. Aren't you?

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